Who am I? Having for the first time I can remember, so much freedom, not setting an alarm, taking a step off the treadmill, from my day to day life! And yes is does feel like freedom, this horrid, unprecedented, scary situation we all find ourselves in, feels awakening to me, please don’t judge me just yet, read on……..
Being forced into lockdown has been enlightening to me, it’s let me do the things I usually do at 100MPH, just mundane thigs like, food shopping, looking up new recipes to try, cooking, cleaning, sorting cupboards, bit of gardening for the first time, writing actual letters to people. But more than that, I’ve had time to think about me, who am I? What needs to change, who do I want to become?
My job involves me having to continually be jolly, happy, funny, comical, bubbly, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I’m pretty certain that’s my natural character anyway. I’m a Personal Trainer, been one for around 18/19 year’s, but I don’t feel I can always be truly me, could be totally my problem, my issue, but something I think about, especially now. Over the last 21 days I have questioned what REALLY makes me happy, what I really LOVE to do, who I miss, who I don’t! I keep thinking about who I REALLY am, I worry slightly, that at the age of 51, I have spent a lot of my life pretending to be someone I’m not, Just to fit in, to be liked, actually as I write this, I feel rather sad and a little angry with myself!
Without this lockdown, I don’t think I would have thought about making changes, I’m sure I would have just carried on as normal, back on the treadmill that is my life, Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with a wonderful and loving husband and family, and I’m grateful everyday for this, but that aside, I’m not sure who I am, and I want to sort this, find out what I’m about, I may go complete circle and find I am the person writing this, with no changes, but I want time to explore my honest feelings with no bullshit! So I feel being forced into lockdown has given me a lucky break! Can I even say that, I deleted this line as I’m worried people will read it the wrong way, think bad of me, but nope, let’s start as I mean to go on, being honest with myself, so I’ve re-typed that sentence hoping you understand where I’m coming from and don’t judge me!
Writing this I know I have a book in me, I have siblings and a Dad ( now passed away) that if we had a reality show, we would have gone viral! So much to tell both hilarious, and sad. Age 21 to 25 I lead a very full, party hard, work hard, life style, when ‘raving’ was around, the friends we had then were such characters, still are, the ones that are alive! So many stories to tell. So again, I have the lockdown to thank for this, I will start my book tomorrow…
If anyone does read this, I wonder how many are having similar thoughts, my gut feeling is few, I don’t think many will feel like me, but I’ll never know. I’s not strong enough to have any backlash from
this, people me consider me selfish, that surely only doom and gloom should come from this lockdown, how can I feel free, less stressed? But I do, and I need to explore why…
To sum up, Covid-19 you evil virus, spreading so much fear and sadness in this world has also given me some light and freedom to explore me, and who I really am or want to be….
Lets all continue to support our NHS, our community and stay at home.